Half Time, 2009

Published on Saturday, June 6th, 2009

With the onset of June, half of 2009 has passed. The second quarter of the year certainly wasn’t as eventful as the first. It did bring new experiences and challenges that continue to play out.
Ever so slowly I have begun to find a new normal in my life. Adjusting to the added responsibilities and roles takes time and a mindset change. Just trying to understand what the changes are takes some time. I give myself credit for accomplishing alot of tasks this quarter and maybe coming ever so slightly closer to intergrating all this into my life. I am certain there is more to come.
My Mom has had the biggest adjustment in many ways. Her life, while narrowed in her own home but familiar and reassuring, has widen at a time that her brain’s capacity for change is very limited. She has done well. On a day to day basis when she isn’t doing as well as I would like, she has taught me to look inside myself for patience, understanding and empathy. There is alot I have to learn about Alzheimer’s. She teaches me daily. I would so love to be “in the moment” as she is.
Moving forward into the unknown next, I hope for the wisdom I need to make decisions, have patience and see what I am learning. Holding fast to my own self/life is getting easier.
The garden has given us alot of beauty this year. Here are two examples: the tulip tree and the spice bush.


What my Mother has taught me

Published on Saturday, April 4th, 2009

I think that most of us are life long learners. Many times, we don’t have time to reflect on what we learn from those who have been our teachers thru out our lives.
I have been struggling with slowing down my thoughts and actions. My Mom has taught me this thru her own life. Alzheimer’s presents her with the opportunity to slow all her regular activities to a snail’s pace… walking, eating dressing. She remains calm when she is not rushed into performing any of these daily activities beyond a pace that is comfortable for her. This requires patience, budgeted time and understanding. This has helped me slow myself down and appreciate each activity.
My mother’s loss of herself has helped me realize that I am (by default) the matriarch of the family. The keeper of the memories, traditions, connections and history. Not a role I ever saw myself in, but one that you take on by default. I hope I can do the role justice.
And lastly, I have become my mother’s mother. I know it sounds like a country westerner song, but it seems to be the case. At times, she acknowledges me as as her cousin, her sister (she doesn’t have one), her mother (mostly in my absence) or her nurse. What an honor to hold so many special roles in her mind. I hope I can measure up.
Here I am. I have been in training all my life for this, in one way or another. I only hope I can do her justice, keep her happy and comfortable for whatever life is left.


Quarterly Report

Published on Saturday, March 28th, 2009

Here we are at the end of the first quarter of 2009. This year of living simply has become something far different than I expected. The last three weeks has been a blur. My ankle healing became back seat to taking care of my Mom and Dad’s funeral and their living trust. It has been of time of sadness, frustration, team work, learning about Alzheimer’s, meeting people (including relatives) that I’ve never met or know very little, making difficult decisions….and I could go on. Many funny and wonderful moments, of course. I think of my Mom looking at my son and his wife and asking “Who are the giants”?. My Mom looking at me very perplexed at the burial when she was presented with a folded American flag by a Navy representative and asking, ” What do I do with this”?
When you clean out your parent’s house, you may find alot of things you wish you hadn’t….written word, diaries, letters. A glimpse into a 56 year old marriage that confirms what you knew about it. More sadness.
Mom is settled now and beginning her adjustment to her new home. I continue to rummage thru papers and ruminate on what I should do and hope I made good decisions. Simple living continues with an unexpected twist, real life.


In passing…

Published on Sunday, March 22nd, 2009

My Father died in his sleep on March 7. I’ve been 2 weeks trying to get a handle on the aftermath. It has been, as all things in life are, an interesting journey. Three days after his death, my Mother, myself and two sisters went for a private family viewing of his body. Here is a poem that came from that experience. A copy of it is with his ashes.

Four Women

Together. Alone.
Surrounding him sitting
in plastic chairs.

Memories. No memory, grief,
laughter, mixed with tears.

Elderly and middled-aged.

Four Women. Survivors all.
Come together with honor,
respect, and gratitude.
For a man - a husband,
a father at the end of
his journey.

Peace now.

3/10/09


Ode to Das Boot Revised

Published on Tuesday, February 17th, 2009


It is time to say a fond farewell and thanks to my temporary friend, Das Boot. We have been together for only 6 weeks, but it seems like a lifetime. We have been thru some tough times and some fun times, but really mostly tough ones. It has been a time for appreciating the large and small annoyances of being mobility challenged. As they say, you never really understand someone until you walk a mile in their moccasins. Well, I didn’t walk, but rolled and crawled and hopped and scooted more than a mile over the past weeks. I have learned alot and I hope, will move forward with a finer appreciation of others. I found strangers to be unbelievably kind and helpful. One suggestion I would make in retrospect is if offered, take a Handicap placard. It is tough getting around in parking lots when you have to park far from the entrance! Thanks for the memories!
PS I went to the orthopod today and I have the honor of wearing Das Boot for 4 more weeks! My premature excitement got to me! I am walking, but with the boot. Seems we get to be together for awhile yet!


Snow in Tollhouse=Water this summer!

Published on Sunday, February 15th, 2009

Attached a few shots of our first dusting of snow, followed closely by our second one a day later. Right now looking like more is on the way. Let it snow, rain or whatever! We are grateful!


Open letter to Mr. Obama

Published on Wednesday, January 28th, 2009

A dear friend of mine sent this letter written to President Obama by Alice Walker ( of “A Color Purple” fame). She is someone who has been on my radar recently thru some audio tapes and her writings in the Shambhbala Sun (a Buddist magazine). Here it is:

Dear Brother President:

You have no idea, really, of how profound this moment is for us. Us being the black people of the Southern United States. You think you know, because you are thoughtful, and you have studied our history. But seeing you delivering the torch so many others carried, year after year, decade after decade, century after century, only to be brought down before igniting the flame of justice and of law, is almost more than the heart can bear. And yet, this observation is not intended to burden you, for you are of a different time, and, indeed, because of all the relay runners before you, North America is a different place. It is really only to say: well done. We knew, through all the generations, that you were with us, in us, the best of the spirit of Africa and of the Americas. Knowing this, that you would actually appear, someday, was part of our strength. Seeing you take your rightful place, based solely on your wisdom, stamina and character, is a balm for the
weary warriors of hope, previously only sung about.

I would advise you to remember that you did not create the disaster that the world is experiencing, and you alone are not responsible for bringing the world back to balance. A primary responsibility that you do have, however, is to cultivate happiness in your own life. To make a schedule that permits sufficient time of rest and play with your gorgeous wife and lovely daughters. Not to mention your brave and precious grandmother.* And so on. One gathers that your family is large. We are used to seeing men in the White House become juiceless and as white-haired as the building; we notice their wives and children looking strained and stressed. They soon have smiles so lacking in joy that they remind us of scissors. This is no way to lead. Nor does your family deserve this fate. One way of thinking about all this is: it is so bad now that there is no excuse not to relax. From your happy, relaxed state, you can model real success, which is only what so many
people in the world really want. They may buy endless cars and houses and furs and gobble up all the attention and space they can manage, but this is because it is not clear to them yet that success is truly an inside job. That it is within the reach of almost everyone.

I would further advise you not to take on other people’s enemies. Most damage that others do us is out of fear, humiliation and pain. Those feelings occur in all of us, not just in those of us who profess a certain religious or racial devotion. We must all of us learn not to have enemies, but only confused adversaries who are ourselves in disguise. It is understood by all that you are commander in chief and are sworn to protect our beloved country. However, as my mother used to say, quoting a Bible with which I often fought, “hate the sin, but love the sinner.” There must be no more crushing of whole communities, no more torture, no more dehumanizing as a means of ruling a people’s spirit. This has already happened to people of color, poor people, women, children. We see where this leads, where it has led.

A good model of how to “work with the enemy” internally is presented by the Dalai Lama, in his endless caretaking of his soul as he confronts the Chinese government that invaded Tibet. Because, finally, it is the soul that must be preserved, if one is to remain a credible leader. All else might be lost; but when the soul dies, the connection to Earth, to Peoples, to Animals, to Rivers, to Mountain ranges, purple and majestic, also dies. And your smile, with which we watch you do gracious battle with unjust characterizations, distortions and lies, is that expression of healthy self-worth, spirit and soul, that, kept happy and free and relaxed, can find an answering smile in all of us, lighting our way, and brightening the world.

We are the ones we have been waiting for.

In Peace and Joy, Alice Walker

Thanks Mo! Great letter!


Bye George!

Published on Saturday, January 17th, 2009

It is with a jubilant heart that we celebrate the end of an error. With our ever faithful Bush White House finger (now toe) puppets, Martinelii’s Sparkling Cider (we are saving the good stuff for 1/20/09) and a fire in the fire place, we toasted the end of the Bush regimen. I feel sad because the finger puppets have been our ever present stress relievers during any Bush speech. Oh well! Obama likely won’t be as fun in the same way as Bush, but you never know!


Just being alive is enough

Published on Tuesday, January 13th, 2009

As the new year begins, most of us have high hopes for the coming months. I had alot of plans in the making, personal, professional, spiritual. Life had some other plans for me. I broke my right ankle cross country skiing. First broken bone in my life, a new experience. The plan for healing is still in process (boot vs cast vs surgery). The uncertainty is something I am not used to. I plan, look ahead, am in a helping profession. Not used to being the helpless one.
On my spiritual path, I feel this part of the road is one that I have alot to learn. Living in the now is something I am aiming for, but I can clearly see I haven’t been doing. I am more wrapped up in all the tomorrows.
I have been touched by the responses of my family, friends and people I don’t even know! How much that human connection means is such a powerful healer. No matter what my next step (non-weight bearing, of course) is, I want to learn the lessons I have been given thru this. And first off is, acceptance.


A year of living simply

Published on Thursday, December 25th, 2008

As 2009 approaches, I become reflective on the year ending. My New Year’s resolution for 2008 was to decrease my consumerism. 2008 obliged by being the economic downturn we all faced. This certainly made it easier, albeit necessary to pursue my resolution thru the year. Now I come to the end of December, 2008, knowing that my resolution must become a way of life.
I don’t mean this in a negative way. In November, 2008, I attended a talk on Voluntary Simplicity. This talk opened my eyes to a philosophy of living which is both creative and sustaining. I borrowed the book Voluntary Simplicity by Duane Elgin and found in it a blue print for living. It is a short book packed with history, spirituality, economics, practicality, hope and direction. I now have something to guide me as I continue my journey to be part of solution to our world’s problems.
I wish all who read these posts a wonderful holiday season and a year full of hope, light and personal fufillment.